Searching For Balance

I am feeling more at peace right now then I have in a long while and I really wanted to be able to write about the profound experience that I had that brought this about. But I got nothin'. At least nothing terribly straight-forward.

I know that I am not feeling as anxious as I had been because I am on the verge of getting something done that was beginning to feel too difficult, too overwhelming, too ridiculously easy yet so incredibly hard that I was starting to be negatively affected by it. I was having trouble sleeping at night, having anxiety about it. What I need to do has an approaching deadline and I was becoming fearful of not making it. Anyway, yesterday a simple, even quite enjoyable, solution presented itself to me and I am hopeful that this will work out and I can move past this.

My main problem is that I let my worries get the best of me quite often. I have a history of making mountains out of mole-holes and feeling in over my head (see most of my previous blog posts for numerous examples!). I wish there was some way that I could let go, not get so stressed out.

I mean, obviously I want to have just enough fear to be motivated to get done what I need to get done. But I really don't want to be the person that falls apart at every life challenge. I want to be more reed-like, just roll with it, you know? I need to find that right balance.

Balance is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I am trying hard in my life to find it, to feel it. Whether it's my personal life or my health or my art or my paying job, I believe that it is important to have balance in every aspect of my life.

I want to feel like I have control over everything I do. That is where I find comfort. But that is just impossible. Nothing is completely "in control". There are external forces that will change things, will make things harder (or sometimes easier) and I cannot do anything about them except for accept them and work with it.

This latest sculpture that I am still trying to finish is a good example of what I mean. Or at least it is starting to represent that to me. First of all, because I am working with only hand tools, the final shaping with a rasp is just really, really slow going. I cannot control how many passes with this tool it will take to get the surface down to the shape I want. It is what it is. I have to just accept that, not get impatient.

Also, it's a very fragile piece with many fissures. Some would call them flaws. One too many taps with the hammer and chisel and this thing could totally bust apart. I have to be very careful working with this piece of stone. And the cracks themselves are pretty noticeable within the sculpture. This takes away from my ability to make the surface perfect. I have no control over the make-up of the stone. I have to just accept it as part of the sculpture.

I rather like that, actually. Or I am coming to appreciate it, I should say. The overall form is another spiral which, to me, has a very yin/yang quality to it. The sculpture is trying to sustain "balance" but one false move and it could all fall apart. Never completely in control.

Whatever all that means! The good thing is that I am feeling happy right now. Happy with my art, happy with my life, happy with what my future holds. Now I just need to figure out how to sustain that for a while 'cause it feels really, really good.

Quote of the Day: Excerpted from a cover article in the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

"A lot of artists fall into a thing where they're constantly trying to create art. But I think you can forget to take things in. You've got to fill up the mind. When I get home from a tour, I put away the guitar and surf a lot. After a while, the songs just start comin'. It's not like some torturous process that I go through." -- Jack Johnson on writing music.

If only I could tap into just a little bit of that state of mind. Okay, it might help if I had a ton of money and a beach house on Oahu. But still. It's a good philosophy, don't you think?

Is This What Life Is All About? Uncertainty?

Well, it's been up and down for me lately. I really thought I was passed, at least for the time being, my feelings of doubt and insecurity about what I am trying to accomplish with my art. But that was not to be.

True, this current sculpture that I am working on is coming along well, although it's very slow going. I am enjoying it and have some interesting thoughts about what it means to me, which I will talk about in another post.

Yet last week I was overcome with this feeling that what I am doing Does Not Matter At All. That the art that I am making, as well as my concepts and my ideas, has no value. Why am I creating these sculptures? What are they for?

It all comes down to me not feeling clear about what I want to do with this work once it's finished. Or, for that matter, what I want to do with any of my art once it's finish. I am very sensitive to the fact that I am not selling my art. Sure, I try to pass it off as some kind of higher ground thing. Like, "I make my art for me and I am not interested in what other people want or care if anyone wants to buy it."

When I put it that way, actually, maybe that is what I feel. If I wanted people to buy my art then I would make a concentrated effort to try to do just that. But I don't. I barely make any attempts to market myself or my art. It's not that I don't care, I just don't have the interest. Or the know-how for that matter.

What upsets me is if I am not doing something with the finished work, besides adding it to the collection of all the rest of my art and updating my portfolio with an image of it, then is it fair for me to define myself as an Artist.

It's not like this is how I make my living. And isn't that what defines us, really? What we do to survive, that is who we are, right? By that definition then this thing that I do is just a Hobby. Something that pleases me. It's how I spend a good amount of my time, sure, but it's not my Job.

If someone who I had just met was to ask me: What do you do? The only honest answer I could give would be, "I work part-time in the marketing department of a winery, I make sculpture - most recently stone carving, I take care of my home and my health, and I spend time with my family and friends". What kind of answer is that? "I am an Accountant", my old answer, is way more succinct and also sounds a lot more legit. The former sounds like something a "house wife" would say. Which is not at all what I feel that I am.

Bottom line, I don't feel like I am doing anything that adds value to anyone else's life but my own. It makes me very self conscious and insecure. Deep down inside I know I should appreciate my life - I am blessed that it is the way it is. I am a very, very lucky person. And yet I cannot seem to fully allow myself that and I do not know why. It's not like anyone else cares about this but me. I hate feeling so lost and uncertain. I seriously Do Not Know What I Am Doing with my life.

Streak End of the Day: Ten months without being sick.

I have not been ill since last April and I was really hoping to go a whole year but it was not to be and I have had an uncomfortable head cold for the past three days. Damn!

Is It Cheating If I'm The Only One Who Cares?

This week was great. My work is back on track. In the back of my mind I knew I'd get out of my down phase from January. But it never feels good at the time and it is hard to believe things will get better when I'm feeling so low.

I started working on a new sculpture on Monday and it is like night and day from the last one. First of all the change in weather is helping me to work harder. It is dry and mild and even a little warm out. My mood is definitely affected negatively by the cold and rain and that most certainly has an impact on my art making. The land where I am working is really beautiful on a nice sunny day so the scenery definitely helps.

Anyway, my latest sculpture. It's just coming so much more easily than the last. It's fun to make! I can't wait to see how it turns out. Even though I dislike my last sculpture I really needed to make it in order to learn and understand better how to carve a spiral into the stone, as opposed to outwardly like the three previous pieces. I did that inward spiral on this new piece and it came so quickly and easily and I know it's because I did it once before.

This is all just a part of the process. The times when things are frustrating and challenging and no fun pave the way to and help me appreciate the good times when I am feeling positive and confident and excited about my work. Also, I made my life a little easier with this one - I used my 7" diamond blade to remove some outside material from the stone.

I know, I know. This was going to be all about carving by hand only, etc., etc. But this piece was just so blocky and it really saved me time and energy to cut off the outside facets and get to the round shape more quickly. I am still doing most of the sculpting by hand. Really. I didn't cheat; I just gave myself a little bit of an "edge".

Like anyone but me cares what tools I use anyway, right? When it comes down to it for anyone besides me it's all about the end result. I am the only one in this for the whole process. And believe me when I tell you that on Wednesday the stone told me it was "okay" for me to go electric on it if it would help get me out of my funk. And guess what? It Worked.

Yah! I like being a stone carver again. Woo-Hoo. Here's to more sunny skies.

Art Quote of the Day: The true artist helps the world by revealing mystic truths.

-- Bruce Nauman, "Window or Wall Sign", 1967.