Trying To Understand Why I Do The Things That I Do

I finished a sculpture yesterday and I have to say it was a wholly unsatisfying experience. At the end of the day I looked at the piece and came to the sudden and unfortunate realization that I Hate It. I just do not think it's my best work. I got so upset and disappointed at how much time and energy I devoted to this thing only to dislike it in the end.

I struggled with this sculpture the whole time I made it. It just never felt right and I think that had a lot to do with the end result. Seriously, it's not very good. I feel like I have wasted a month. I am really trying to find the benefit, the learning experience from this.

One thing it did do for me, though, was make me realize that I am not spending enough time on my art. This sculpture, good or bad, should not have taken a month to create. It did not take me that many hours overall; maybe about 40 or 50 total. I realize now that I need to increase my carving time. I need to concentrate more.

So that is my new resolve starting next week - to work harder. I am going to spend more time carving and less time doing whatever it was that I was doing that was not carving. Okay, sure, it's not helping that it's the middle of winter and damn cold out and I Do Not Like the rain. Warmth and sunshine motivate me and we are seriously lacking both right now. But I have got to suck it up and just get work done. Otherwise, what am I doing this for?

That's the other thing that came up yesterday: my usual lack of faith in what I am doing as an artist. I won't bore you with all the declarations of self-doubt and insecurity that roamed around my brain. Let's just say that despite the fact that I don't, at the moment, feel very talented or motivated I am still going to get up in the morning and get out there and try again.

There is something that I do not understand that keeps me doing this. An undefinable need, an unexplainable driving force that makes me want to create, no matter what, even when it is not always a fun or fulfilling experience.

Thankfully there are a couple of very important people in my life right now who I can talk with when these feelings creep in. They help me get through the difficulties and encourage me and keep me going. So deep and heartfelt thanks and appreciation and love go to them. Pretty handy to have around, you know.

Funny Joke of the Day: Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."

You Learn Something New Every Day

I made a discovery on Monday while I was working on my latest sculpture. Here's what happened. I was having a pretty descent day of carving so far. The piece was coming along pretty well and I knew what I wanted to accomplish that day.

And then I took a break for lunch and when I went back out to work everything started to fall apart. I was having the worst time not, basically, ruining the sculpture. Every time I tried to take my hammer and chisel to this one spot, big chunks of rock would fly off. Definitely a problem. It got so bad I just about cried and was ready to give up for the day.

But my obsessive nature toward my art wouldn't allow me to let it go. I knew that I could accomplish what I wanted by slowing down, using a less aggressive tool. My rasp would make the shape I wanted and wouldn't knock big chunks of rock off in the process. The problem? It would take me A Lot longer to do it. I was almost stymied at the thought of sitting there just filing away, filing away. However, I went for it anyway.

While I was working it dawned on me that this was a big part of what I wanted to get out of the process of creating this body of work. I am so fascinated with the interesting shapes found in nature that are created over a really long period of time. I set out to carve stone by hand as a way to appreciate this slow process. So, by taking a step back, slowing it down, using my rasp instead of my chisel, I was given the opportunity to do just that - appreciate the slow process.

Once I came to this realization I felt totally at peace with what I was doing. It didn't matter how long it took me, I would get to the form I wanted eventually. And I did. It was almost meditative.

As I worked, I was able to think about the sculpture and what it means to me. I continue to incorporate the spiral in my sculptures and this piece is no exception. The spiral interests me because I like how it is found in nature and the universe. And I appreciate it's relationship to math. I also look at the spiral as a symbol of my path in life, my journey to wherever it is that I am going.

This sculpture and the spiral within it was taking me a long time to form, just like the journey of life. It seemed very appropriate that I was taking it slow making this sculpture. Up until this moment I realized that even though I was working only with hand tools, I was still working with the same speed and intensity as when I use power tools like my grinder and my seven inch diamond blade. Just because I was sculpting without the aid of power did not mean that I was slowing down. And only by slowing down will I be able to truly feel connected to nature.

I think for my next sculpture I may try to shape it using my rasps and files almost exclusively. Well, I say that now. Ask me again when I am faced with this big 'ol piece of stone and my impatience gets the better of me.

Funny Sign Sighting of the Day: Babes, Burgers and Hot Dogs.

So, I am driving to work on Tuesday and the Highway was closed because of a downed power line and traffic was being diverted to a different country road and it took me over an hour to get to my destination but that was okay. I was driving along this road I'd never been on before and passed this burger joint. It looked like it'd been around for a long, long time. The wooden road sign stand was super faded and worn down. And "Babes, Burgers and Hot Dogs" was what it looked like the sign said. But when I saw the newer looking sign over the entrance I realized there was a faded apostrophe on the road side stand. It was actually Babe's burger joint. Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

I Don't Get Leaf Blowers

Seriously, what is the deal with leaf blowers? Here is how I see it. I understand that the point is to get the leaves and debris off the lawn or landscaping or porch or whatever and move it, I guess, into the gutter (?), a pile for easy pick up (?). I don't know.

Ummm. The problem for me is how is this better than sweeping/raking? Besides the fact that it's fast, easy and convenient. Because for one thing, it uses, in my opinion, unnecessary power (electrical or gas). And it blows crap everywhere. All of the minuscule particles just blow around in the air. Just great for people with allergies (like me) or asthma or just any sensitivity to crap flying around. I am being Sarcastic in case you can't tell. It's so hard when you can't hear the tone of my voice.

And then there is the noise. It's awful. Have you ever passed someone when they are doing this? It's horrible, is it not? Really, I don’t get it. Raking leaves is a totally good workout. But I suppose if you are paying your gardener by the hour you probably want stuff done fast. Is it really worth this? What do I know, I don't have a gardener.

So, on to a topic that is not just me spouting on about the stuff that annoys me. Let's talk about my art. 'Cause that never annoys me. Yeah, right.

Anyway, the current piece I am working on is starting to come together. I think. I believe that I worked out some issues with it on Monday. And after a healthy chat about the piece with a friend of mine, I think I am able to see the potential in the sculpture to be something I like and to be something that continues to represent what I am trying to explore here. That is to say, that it is a shape that embodies my interest in the spiral and how it is found in nature and also that it does not look like complete and utter shit.

Next week I should have the form completely worked out and then can begin the finishing process. I am still trying to experiment with different textures and I think I have some good ideas for this piece. I do know that some spots will be hard to get at and clean up and that will suck but why make something simple just so that it is easy to sand and polish. That may not make for an interesting shape.

Anyway, I had a bit of trouble this week and last doubting a lot of things in my life, most especially my work as an artist and my decision to try and make a career out of it. I am really wondering why I do this; it's just so damn hard. I don't know why I put myself through this sometimes. It's heartbreaking and aggravating and frustrating and scary and uncertain and isolating. Yet I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life right now. So, I just keep plugging along at it and fortunately I have the support of Eric and other family members and other amazing friends. Maybe I'll just quit my bitchin' now.

Uptight Suggestion of the Day: Buy a damn rake and quit with the freakin' leaf blower already!

Doubting My Ideas

I had some thoughts this afternoon about my art that may or may be disturbing to me. I started a new alabaster sculpture and as I was beginning to carve it occurred to me that maybe what I have been doing with this current body of work is a little ironic.

What I mean is, my concept, my idea is being inspired by forms found in and created by nature and then carving abstract shapes in stone. And yet I am carving a shape into something that is also found in and created by nature. So, does that mean that maybe I am defeating the purpose?

Yet, it's not like the raw stone is all that interesting. Or is it? Is it wrong to be selective about the forms that I find pleasing? Shouldn't everything found in and created by nature by equally fascinating to me?

I am not really sure how to take these thoughts. Am I being too analytical? Does anyone really care? If the end result, the sculpture, is good shouldn't that be enough?

Oh, I don't know. What does it all mean anyway?

So, first day back after the break was a little difficult. A bit hard getting back into things. It's tough enough the first day carving any piece but after a week of just relaxing and having fun, I was a bit unmotivated.

But I did get some work done. I am not sure, though, if I like where this sculpture is heading. Let's just say the last thought I had before quitting work and cleaning up was, "Wow. This sucks."

Oh well, maybe when I see it again next week it will look different. That does happen. Hopefully it will look different in a good way. 'Cause that's happened too where I come back and it looks worse then I remember. Yikes! That's never fun.

Hmmm. I think maybe I should shut up and just keep carving.

Chinese Fortune of the Day: You will have a healthy old age.

Sweet!