It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Well Thanksgiving is almost upon us and thus begins the landslide of the passage of time. What is it that makes the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's feel like the shortest period of time ever?

Like most people, for me the holidays are a little stressful. But only because I always feel so incredibly busy. I work more, I socialize more, I eat more, I shop more than any other time of the year. It's fun, but sometimes it feels like Too Much.

I appreciate the time spent with family and friends - it's one of my favorite things about the season. But the gift exchange really gets to me. Not the giving, I like doing that. And I am fortunate that I don't have a ton of adults in my life that I give gifts to, so I can make it special. Lots of kids though, but at least they are relatively easy to shop for.

It's just that for some reason Eric and I always seem to get requests from people: What do you want for Christmas? I don't know. Peace, love, happiness, a sunny day? Not exactly the answer they want. They want to know: What Can I Buy You? And I can appreciate where they are coming from - they want to give something they know we'll Like.

But I just do not feel very comfortable reciting a list of "wants". That is so eight years old. I haven't had a "Santa List" in like 25 years. Besides, telling people what to give me kind of sucks the fun out of receiving. Surprises are nice.

But in the end, I don't really Need anything at all. To me this feels like the crappy part of this time of year: Why we feel the need to exchange Stuff. I think it's what stresses most people out. "Oh, I've gotta get my Christmas shopping done!"

How about instead of a Thing, we exchange time spent together in relaxed company? I sure could use that more than a set of candle sticks or a picture frame. But this, the gift exchanging, is convention, so I roll with it.

I'll tell you what I love most about the holidays: I love the way it looks. I am a total sucker for the decorations. I love the lights, the tree, the ornaments, the beautifully set dinner table, the Sparkle. I even love the music. It all gives me such great joy.

And starting next week, well, Friday probably, the visual element is gonna come out in full. Even though it already began about a month ago at a retail store near you. I am talking about everyone else, all the neighborhood displays. Sometimes it can get a little out of control (see your neighbor down the street and his 100,000 watt display - more on that topic in another post!) but generally I find a certain comfort in driving down a "Candy Cane Lane" on a cold, clear evening.

So, here come the holidays - ready or not. Though at the moment, I don't feel very ready. But in a few weeks I'll make myself a Snuggler and sip it while I sit by the fire and look at my fully lit and decorated Christmas tree. And I'll take comfort in the warmth of my home and my family and feel like I've just received the best gift of all.

Thanksgiving Day Tip of the Day: Try not to fill up on the appetizers so you can enjoy the pie.

Finding Inspiration

I'm back. And I'm over myself. I just really, really needed a little Self-absorbed Neurotic Artist time. I needed to Wallow. And I did. But I'm past that now.

So the piece in the corner is not what I had hoped it would be but that's the way it goes. I have to live with it. I just need to get it into my head that I don't have Complete Control. Never will.

Anyway, I'm not going to give up on being an artist. I'm going to keep trying, keep exploring, keep thinking, keep experimenting. Though there will definitely be days when I won't have the faintest idea why.

For right now, though, I'm off art making. At least until after the first of the year. My jobs are taking up most of my time and my life is taking up the rest. So aside from getting it together for Open Studios in December and updating my website (I'm going to create a "virtual gallery" of images from my show), art is not on my mind. Well, okay, it's on my mind a little. Actually, quite a lot, at least last night.

See, last night I went and saw Anselm Kiefer's Heaven and Earth at the SF MOMA. I didn't know what to expect. I knew little about the artist or his work before we went. But I have got to say, I Loved It. More so than I would ever have expected. I can't tell you exactly why but his work really inspired me. I always know an exhibition has moved me when while I am looking at it I begin to think about my own art and start to form ideas. It makes me feel like I want to, no, I need to, Create.

I enjoyed studying his paintings, something I don't ordinarily do since I'm more attracted to 3-d. They really captured my attention. So much depth and feeling was evoked. Quite powerful.

You know, some artists just have It. Whatever It is. I may never have It. But something inside me keeps making me try to get there. And that is why even in my darkest moments I know in the back of my mind that I will never give up.

Killer Moment of My Day: Coming home from work to a freshly cleaned house and a yummy Margarita, all courtesy of my wonderful husband. I am a lucky woman.

Oh, and I love that while I am sitting here typing this and drinking previously mentioned margarita I can hear Eric in the background singing along to our jukebox (which just got fixed this week after being on the fritz for the past year and a half). Life is good. By the way, the song is "Heat of the Moment" by Asia. Love it.

So Low

The show is still a total disaster. I tried to fix the problem spots on the corner installation and I was unable. I can't make that piece work, no matter what. Today I had to remove all the parts that would not stay properly in place. I'm just going to leave it that way.

The piece is just so terrible. It's a failure. I can't stand it. I am so disappointed. It is making me feel so depressed and upset and bad about the entire show. I hate it - the piece, my show, my art, everything.

I feel like I just wasted so much time and money to learn about how much of a failure I am as an artist. I cannot seem to do this successfully. I just do not have it in me to succeed at being an artist.

And it's so hard; I have no idea why I keep trying. I am on the verge of giving up entirely.

But I just don't know where to go from here.

Inside The Mind Of A Total Freak

So, how did the opening go last night, you ask? Two words: Total Disaster. Alright, so perhaps that is just the warped version of the evening that is coming from my skewed perspective. Most others (Eric especially) would say that the show, on the whole, was very good and well received.

And I will concede that I got more than one positive comment about my work. But let me tell you the two things that were on my mind, that plagued me from fully enjoying the moment.

1) The corner installation had Issues, and

2) Very few people I knew were there.

So, let's talk about Number Two first. I completely understand that coming to Sebastopol on a rainy Thursday evening is not exactly practical for a lot of people in far-off places around the Bay Area. However, it was a little disappointing. It would have been nice to have more support. I have been aware for some time that most people in my circle don't really get what I do as an artist and I don't think they fully understand how important it is to me. But then, as Eric pointed out, I am not entirely interested in their "jobs" so why should they be interested in mine? Still, this is All About ME.

Ok, Ok, get over yourself. Not having throngs of adoring fans does not a disastrous evening make.

So, let's move on to Number One: the corner installation had Issues. In other words, it was falling apart in some places. Here's what happened. See, I really did not have the time needed to let the pins fully set on the wall (36 hours, at least) and therefore when I hung the fabric pieces, in some spots there was just too much pressure and the fabric pieces started to droop downwards. And there was not one thing I could do about it last night. I was sick about it. I couldn't stand to look at it. To me the whole piece, and subsequently the whole show, felt like a failure, like some kind of crap thrown together by a complete amateur.

I could not be lifted from my funk. At least not in the beginning. And the other frustrating thing was that some family members who drove quite a long way to be there had come very early (before the reception officially began) and stayed for a very short period of time. And that was all during my phase of frustration and depression. (I will admit I spent a little time sulking and hiding out in the car last night - God, I am such a Drama Queen!!) So, I felt very bad that while these family members were there I was not in a good place mentally and did not fully enjoy or appreciate their presence, which really meant a lot to me.

But I slowly got over myself. Eric did a lot to snap me out of it. Also, I avoided spending much time in Gallery II looking at and talking about my work. Fortunately there was the larger group show I could concentrate on.

Later in the evening a handful of family and friends come and that was a very nice distraction. I really did have some good conversations - with them as well as with people I had never met before. And I really did get a good amount of positive feedback. All in all it was a Success not the Total Disaster I implied earlier. But it still feels like that to me a little, just 'cause of that damn corner piece.

I am going up this afternoon to re-attach the pins that are loose and will allow each one to set for the proper amount of time and re-apply the fabric pieces on Sunday. It'll look weird for a couple of days but better then falling apart. Curse my Perfectionism! The truth is, hardly anyone noticed.

Anyway, here's some photos from last night.

I think I'll go back to bed now.

Unavoidable Fact of the Day: I am truly a Tortured Artist who will never be Satisfied.

But I am in good company! For proof, read "A Giacometti Portrait" by James Lord.

Okay, Breathe

Hi there. What's up? It's all good here. Really. I swear. I am not totally nervous about the opening tomorrow.

Actually I'm not nervous, exactly, but I am anxious. I don't really like art openings when I am in the show 'cause I always feel a little awkward. And it's gonna be especially weird tomorrow because there is a whole room full of my work. I have a difficult time standing around talking about my art sometimes.

And I have all these thoughts running through my head. Like, "Does my stuff look like crap?" and "Did I install the show okay?" and "I wonder if anyone is going to show up to the opening?". It's just a little overwhelming. But this tasty Butte Creek organic pilsner that I am drinking right now is helping.

Anyway, all in all the installation went pretty well. I got there yesterday morning and immediately began working on the piece installed in the corner. I had to get the pins set in place and needed as much drying time as possible before I installed the fabric pieces today. The first thing I did was use the template I had made to mark where each pin would go. I tell you what, that template was the best idea I've had in a long time. It made marking where each pin was to be so easy. Much easier than the way I had done it for the test I did in my studio.

Then I spent two to three hours (I lost track of the time - Eric's iPod Shuffle helped) adhering 224 T-pins to the wall. That's alotta pins.

Next I started to put in place all the rest of the work. Let me tell you, that was a pain in the butt. I must have moved things around a million times. And that doesn't count all the tinkering I did today.

I started to drill where I wanted one of the steel wall hung pieces to be and then realized that instead of drilling into dry wall, the wall I was attempting to install on was actually just two pieces of plywood. Whoops. Nice hole. At that point I went home. But not without being so preoccupied with all that I needed to accomplish the next day that I didn't even realize that I had taken Highway 12 instead of 116 until I was in Santa Rosa. Whoops again.

This morning I took up the last couple of pieces and some other odds and ends that I had forgotten the day before and tried to get an early jump on the day knowing full well that I had a lot of work ahead of me. First thing I did was patch the big hole from the day before. Then I got the two toothpick pieces up so they wouldn't be on the floor and potentially stepped on. After that I got to work putting up the fabric pieces of the corner installation.

That took a couple of hours and there were a few pins that came off and I had to re-attach them. That sucks because I need to let the caulk dry overnight and right now two fabric pieces are sitting on the floor and I will have to put them on the wall tomorrow right before the opening. Nothing like last minute tweaks.

Eric came up around 1:15pm and helped me with the last bit of art placement. At that point I was really becoming unable to see things clearly. I just could not for the life of me figure out where to put the two hanging metal pieces. I felt like something was just not quite right with the space but couldn't put my finger on it. We kept moving things around trying to find a nice flow but things just weren't working.

Finally I realized that the toothpick piece to the left of the corner installation was just clashing. It looked fine on that wall before I put the fabric pieces up. But that corner piece is very powerful and it just overtook the toothpick piece. Once we moved that and put a metal hanging piece there instead, everything else fell into place.

Well, at least I hope everything has fallen into place. But it is what it is. After a final bit of tweaking I put a little explanation material up and slapped on the labels. I was done. And hungry! So Eric and I got ourselves a yummy bite at Slice of Life and now here I am. Posting in my blog and feeling a little antsy.

I cannot wait until Friday.

Shameless Plug of the Day: Come to my opening tomorrow night at the Sebastopol Center for the Arts (if you're from the Bay Area)!