My Insecurity

This title makes it sound like I have but one insecurity in me. But believe me, they are quite numerous. However, today we'll just focus on this one.

Alright, here's the thing. Two of my smaller fabric pieces are going to be in a group show next month at a small gallery in San Francisco. This is a big deal for me because 1) it is not a juried show that I paid to enter and 2) I have never had my work shown anywhere in the City.

I should be totally stoked, right? I am. But the thing is, I can't help but feel like since my work was selected this can't possibly be a big deal. That is related to my feeling insecure about the quality of my work. Also there's this deep feeling that I have to maintain a Too Cool For School attitude about my art career. Like, "Oh yes, I have couple of pieces in this one show. Whatever. No big deal."

This is the part where Eric calls me crazy. But I can't help it. It's the reason why I don't join artist organizations if I don't have to. I always think that it can't be that great of a group if they'd let me in.

This is seriously how I feel. I am Not fishing for compliments. I just have really high standards when it comes to the quality of my work. And most of the time I don't feel like I measure up. I suppose that's one of my motivators - spending my time trying to make work that satisfies me.

But if it actually happened, that I finally found myself worthy, Then What? What would my motivation be? Would I just say to myself, "Well, that was fun," and then stop making art? It would seem that this insecurity is to my benefit as well as to my detriment. I may not have faith in myself but at least I'll keep trying.

Quote of the Day:

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. --- Groucho Marx

Magic Numbers

You know, I have been working with the same system of numbers for the past two and half years. I will use the whole system or rearrange the order or use only certain parts as a way to create my art. Everything that I have created since 2004, with the exception of my marble carving, has come from this original system of numbers:

1111 1112 1113 1114 1121 1122 1123 1124

1131 1132 1133 1134 1141 1142 1143 1144

1211 1212 1213 1214 1221 1222 1223 1224

1231 1232 1233 1234 1241 1242 1243 1244

1311 1312 1313 1314 1321 1322 1323 1324

1331 1332 1333 1334 1341 1342 1343 1344

1411 1412 1413 1414 1421 1422 1423 1424

1431 1432 1433 1434 1441 1442 1443 1444

2111 2112 2113 2114 2121 2122 2123 2124

2131 2132 2133 2134 2141 2142 2143 2144
2211 2212 2213 2214 2221 2222 2223 2224

2231 2232 2233 2234 2241 2242 2243 2244
2311 2312 2313 2314 2321 2322 2323 2324

2331 2332 2333 2334 2341 2342 2343 2344
2411 2412 2413 2414 2421 2422 2423 2424

2431 2432 2433 2434 2441 2442 2443 2444

3111 3112 3113 3114 3121 3122 3123 3124
3131 3132 3133 3134 3141 3142 3143 3144

3211 3212 3213 3214 3221 3222 3223 3224
3231 3232 3233 3234 3241 3242 3243 3244

3311 3312 3313 3314 3321 3322 3323 3324
3331 3332 3333 3334 3341 3342 3343 3344

3411 3412 3413 3414 3421 3422 3423 3424
3431 3432 3433 3434 3441 3442 3443 3444

4111 4112 4113 4114 4121 4122 4123 4124
4131 4132 4133 4134 4141 4142 4143 4144

4211 4212 4213 4214 4221 4222 4223 4224
4231 4232 4233 4234 4241 4242 4243 4244

4311 4312 4313 4314 4321 4322 4323 4324
4331 4332 4333 4334 4341 4342 4343 4344

4411 4412 4413 4414 4421 4422 4423 4424
4431 4432 4433 4434 4441 4442 4443 4444

For some reason I truly believe that this system is a key to unlocking the mysteries of the Universe. By using these sets of numbers, this code, I can create forms and images that are a part of or come from the Underlying System. Doing this is my way of trying to get close to understanding: What It All Means - How/Why Are We Here - What Is The Guiding Force Beneath It All? It is the Order of my Chaos.

I keep working with these numbers to see what happens. And sometimes the results are amazing. And I don't mean that in a visual/aesthetic way. I mean, the patterns and the reoccurences and the coincidences (are they really?). Stuff happens that I can't explain and I know a lot of that has to do with my extreme lack of knowledge of advanced mathematics. I think the science/philosophy of math does a lot to help explain the Unknown. But since I don't know or understand much of that, then I find conclusions in my Art that just makes me feel like it's Magic. And I take it on Faith that this is all part of our vast and amazing Universe.

Certain numbers have been constants throughout this whole process and now have meaning to me that was not there before. Important numbers include: 1,2,3,4 and 32 and 64 and 128. Those are obvious ones. There's also the number 2560. And just recently I discovered a pattern of numbers hidden within the system that is this:

1-4-10-20-31-40-44-40-31-20-10-4-1

When I first encountered these numbers my initial thought was: Is this the Code to the Universe? Now, I am not about to get all Lost about this and try to see more then there is. I am sure there is a logical, mathematical explanation to these numbers. But, really, what does this mean? How does this work? Same questions I keep wondering about the Universe.

I just don't know enough to reach any conclusions. Maybe I never will. I keep trying to find the answers within my Art and hope that, someday, everything will make sense.

Spam Philosophy of the Day: God does not play dice with the cosmos.

Tales from Marble

You've seen the image of the first marble sculpture I did this summer, Glass Beach 1. And if not you can check it out here. So now I will write a little bit about my experience in Colorado and how this sculpture came to be.

I was so inspired by all of the little objects I had collected at Glass Beach this Spring (see my previous post to learn about my time spent at Glass Beach) that I decided to go for two sessions again this year. I was originally only going to go for one. I had been away from home so much this year. Plus I had problems carving last year and got a little burnt out at the end. So, I was hesitant, at first, to go for that long. But I just knew I needed to give myself more time to carve - I had so many ideas.

And I am so glad I was there for as long as I was. I had a very productive and amazing time carving this year. It just felt so right and easy. It was surreal. The inspiration from my little metal pieces was so powerful that the forms just appeared out of nowhere, it seemed. And, you know, I didn't work all that crazy/hard. I stopped putting in 8-10 hour days there a couple of years ago. Now I give myself plenty of time to do other things. Mostly it's mornings spent hiking/exploring the area.

I definitely feel that my carving is better for it. When I do work it's very focused and concentrated. I am not distracted with thoughts of taking a break or when I can quit for the day. I just work when I want.

Most everyone else around me seems to be fighting some kind of battle with time - trying to get as much done as possible before the session ends. But there is no rule that says you have to have a completed piece at the end of the 8-day session. Where this pressure is coming from probably has to do with the fact that for some participants 1) it is the only time during the year that they carve and/or have access to air and certain tools and 2) they want to have a good-looking, completed or nearly-completed piece for people to see when they walk around the site during the Wrap-Up Party. So, you know, I get that. I get why this manic energy exists. I have just stopped letting it affect me and now, when I am in Marble, I just do my own thing. Whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it.

It seems to work. I am very happy with the work I did there and I got a tremendous amount of positive feedback about the forms. The positive reactions actually surprised me because while I like what I've done I don't feel they are so incredibly good. But then I know that I do not see them in the same way that others do. I am just too close to the subject.

I am trying to let my experience in Marble this year spill into the rest of my Artmaking and into my everyday life. I am trying to find a balance in my life between work, home, and my personal life. It's easy for me to fall back on feelings that I must work at one thing (my art) for eight hours straight every day or else I am a slacker. But I also have so many other things in my life that are just as important as forwarding my art career. And so I am allowing myself to give sufficient time to those things as well.

Giving up TV has helped. I look at that as the one thing in my life that was not quality time for me. I am not saying TV is bad. In fact I still watch movies and some TV shows on DVD through Netflix. I have just given up the mindless flipping and the commitment to mediocre television programs (which seems to be the majority of what's on). My evenings are now spent doing things like reading, listening to music, cooking, playing games with Eric, walking Jasmine - things that are infinitely more satisfying to me.

Well, it seems that talking about carving in Marble has morphed into talking about my personal life. But then it cannot be helped that my art affects my personal life and vice-versa. Anyway, it's a great feeling right now knowing that I've tapped into some kind of well-spring of ideas when it comes to my Marble Carving. It just feels so good to be Inspired and Satisfied and Joyful while I make art. Something that does not always occur here in the studio but it's starting to more and more.

What a minute, a happy artist? What the hell is wrong with me? I am supposed to be Tortured. Don't worry, I still am. I've got a future of Down Days ahead of me, I am sure. Talk to me in the couple of weeks before my show opens.

Gruesome Finger Story of the Day: And now what you have been waiting for - the tale of how my finger got cut.

It all started out innocently enough. A group of people were going to a free Soulive concert at Snowmass Village, a ski resort outside of Aspen. I was hitching a ride with our camp cook who was furiously trying to get dinner put together before we left. So, I offered to help, to speed things along. I, along with the wife of one of the carvers, was chopping vegetables on the marble counter/work area in the kitchen.

Ok, this is the part where you think I cut myself while chopping up bell peppers but you would be Wrong. That is not what happened. But first let me give you Lesson One: Never Help. If only I had selfishly sat around waiting until time to leave, my finger would be intact. But anyway, the cut came After I was done chopping my veggies but while Rachel was still chopping up lettuce. And in an effort to clean up I was using my hand to sweep vegetable debris into the garbage can and, well, my hand got in the way of Rachel's very sharp knife. OWWWW!

Which leads us to Lesson Two: Quit Being So Anal. See, because I could have/should have waited until Rachel was done chopping before doing that. What's the rush? But I am so intent on cleaning up after myself sometimes that it is to my detriment.

I rushed my finger to the sink to rinse it out and realized it was pretty bad. A big flap of tip was hanging off and it had cut diagonally through my nail. I was definitely in shock, at first. Rachel ran to get the first aid kit and came back with a retired physician, one of the carvers that session. He looked at the wound and cleaned and bandaged it up. And basically calmed me down and let me know that it was his opinion that it did not need stitches though it would hurt a lot and take a long time to heal (he's right on those two counts).

It took a couple of days before it completely stopped bleeding and even longer before it didn't hurt all the time. It's a lot better now. Rachel, though, was beside herself for the next few days. She felt bad for cutting me even though it wasn't her fault. Accidents will happen, or so says Elvis Costello. My finger was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

In situations like this my coping mechanism is humor so I started in on the teasing. "Oh, don't get on Rachel's bad side; she'll cut you!", etc. But unfortunately I think that only made her feel worse. So there's Lesson Three: Laughter is Not Always the Best Medicine. At least for some.

Did I miss the Soulive concert? Hell No. I went anyway, bloody bandage and all. And I had a great time. Looked a little funny dancing with one hand held above my head, to keep the finger elevated. But what do I care. I do things all the time that make me look funny. And that brings us to Lesson Four: Never Let a Bloody Finger Ruin a Good Time!

Eggs and Spam

So I am totally conflicted about the existence of Spam in this Universe. Okay, first off let me explain that I am going to be talking about the Hormel pork product and not the annoying email phenomenon. I fully do not see the purpose of email Spam with an exception that will be discussed at the end of this post.

No, I am conflicted about the food product Spam. Most of the time Spam does not fit into my lifestyle. You know me, I'm like into like the clean stuff, like pac-man ... Alright enough of the Frank Zappa. But I really am into healthy eating. I am actually very particular. I try to eat mostly whole foods that are locally grown and/or produced. And I also like to eat Organic when I can, when it makes sense. I'm actually a little concerned with the latest Organic craze. You really have to read the labels. Just because that snack food is made with organic cane sugar doesn't mean it's a good idea to eat it. And I would much rather buy organic foods produced by small local companies than from Kraft Foods Conglomerate LLC, etc. I doubt they care much about health. They just want to cash in on a marketing strategy. But I digress.

How is that a snobby Bay Area foodie such as myself would allow Spam into my home, you wonder. Well, Hormel Foods is one of Eric's customers and twice now he has had to visit them in Minnesota and on both occasions he happened to visit the Spam Museum and gift shop. I've got some pretty neat-o Spam stuff. I just love my Spam flippies. And I have this killer pair of Spam earrings - miniature Spam cans hand-painted by a local artist. You know, a friend commented upon seeing them that only I could get away with wearing Spam earrings. I am not quite sure what that says about me as a person but I take it as a complement.

Anyway....... After his first visit Eric also brought home two cans of Spam. One was the Limited Edition Golden Honey Grail Spam-a-lot Spam. See, we just love Python, so that was a given. But you can buy that in the store, so it's not quite as cool as the Garlic Spam he got which can only be purchased at the Spam Museum. We have yet to try it. But last week I made up a batch of Spam and Eggs using the Honey Spam.

One of my very favorite meals is scrambled eggs on toast. I have it at least once a week. I just love eggs. And cooking eggs, breakfast for that matter, is one of my specialties. So, we decided to throw in some fried Honey Spam that morning. I gotta say, it was so delicious.

Which is where feeling conflicted comes into play. I mean, it's just awful food. Like really bad for you. First of all it's made with pork (shoulder) and ham and is mostly fat (though not Trans so good news for people who care about that) and sodium nitrate. Don't get me wrong, I eat pork. I love BBQ pork tenderloin. But this just should not be in the realm of pork products.

But let me just say again, it was sooooo yummy. Is Spam so wrong? I'm not sure. It brought happiness to the breakfast plate that day but at what cost? It's just not real food.

I guess I can't fault Spam for existing - I'm just not going to go out of my way to buy or eat it. Except when I try the Garlic Spam. I'll let you know how that goes.

Spam Thought of the Day: Big news shows promise.

I recently was informed that the email server storing my kittygsculpture.com email was almost at capacity. It was full of a year's worth of Spam email that had been filtered by Outlook so I never saw it. I couldn't just delete the whole lot at once. I had to do it one page at a time. As I was doing this I noticed that some of the subject lines were pretty interesting. Philosophical, even. So I wrote down some of the more choice ones. This one today is not one of the better ones; the good ones are at home and I'm at the studio right now. Anyway, I'll share some others with you from time to time. It's good food for thought.

Hmmmmm.

Spam as good food? No. Spam as good food for thought? Yes.

Glass Beach I - Image

I've been meaning to get this posted all week but I have been having trouble accessing the internet in my studio so it has kept me off-line. Anyway, here is a couple of images of the first piece that I carved while in Marble. This is currently installed in the entryway of my studio building.

This sculpture is entitled Glass Beach I (I know, how original). It's named after the beach in Fort Bragg that inspired me to create the piece. It is one of, I hope, many in a series. I plan to continue to use the pieces of metal and other objects I found while exploring Glass Beach as starting points for many future marble carvings. The painting to the right is not by me, but another artist in the building.





Marble, Colorado Image of the Day:

This is a picture of the Crystal River Valley in the town of Marble taken during one of my many hiking explorations. The big white spot in the middle is the Yule Marble quarry where the marble I carve comes from.

It's Captastic

Today I am going to tell you all about my strange and obsessive habit of collecting bottle caps. It all began in Spring 2002 when I was in art school. I was taking a class called Trashformations which was about, among other things, using recycled materials in art. I had known for quite some time that plastic and metal caps were not made of recyclable material unlike the glass and plastic bottles that they sealed. So, whenever I put my bottles out for recycling I always took off the caps and threw those in the trash. The Trashformations class inspired me to start saving the caps instead of throwing them away. I saw these caps as a potential art material but had no idea for what. In my house it has become the norm to save all bottle caps.

About a year and a half ago I came up with a semi-formed way to use metal (beer and soda) bottle caps, or crown caps, in a free-standing sculpture. It was all tied into my number system/order/chaos art concept. I calculated out exactly how many bottle caps I would need in total (2,560) in order to make the structure. Then I counted how many caps I already had to determine how many more I would need. Turns out I was many, many, many caps short.

I began to enlist friends to help me with my cause. Since most of my friends drink beer it wasn't a difficult request. The hardest part for them would be remembering to 1) save the caps and 2) give them to me. Most of my friends know I am a little odd and don't get thrown off by my strange ideas. I also have taken advantage of my summers in Marble, CO by enlisting staff and participants to help as well. It seems a fair amount of beer consumption is needed to stay focused while carving in the mountains. Last year I collected over 300 caps and this year more than 500 came from these fine people. (Thanks for your contributions, Marbleheads!)

Collecting the necessary number of caps was made harder when I realized that within my system of numbers I needed to not just have 2,560 caps of any kind but certain numbers of the same cap. So, I would need to collect quite a bit more than just 2,560 in order to have the pattern work out.

Does this sound crazy to you? It is, I know, but I was always sure that one day it would become clear to me just how I would use these caps in my art. And not just the metal caps but the plastic ones as well.

Today I assessed my metal bottle cap collection for the first time since fall of last year. I am so happy to report that I have reached my goal of 2,560 and they are all separated into the necessary numbers of same caps. And I probably have at least a few hundred extra. Which is a good thing because lately I have been considering exactly what is to become of the Cap Collection and I am now much closer to understanding its purpose. I know that I am going to need many, many more caps (metal and plastic) to see this vision full-filled. Though, now that I have enough for the initial pattern I am no longer concerned with having certain numbers of the same cap; any old cap will do. I also know that it will be at least a year before I can really delve into the project, so I (and my friends) have time to keep up the collecting.

I'd write about the project more but it is way too early and there are personal reasons why I am not able to discuss it at this time. I will only say that if I am able to make this idea become a reality it is going to be totally awesome. But I have a lot of logistics to work out first.

So, for the time being I guess I'll have another beer and add its cap to the growing collection. And to all of you who continue to save bottle caps for me despite not having any clear idea why: Thank You. That you take my crazy ideas at face-value, no questions asked, means more than I can say.

Answer to Frequently Asked Question of the Day: Why don't you just go to a bar to get caps?

Because I am having so much more fun collecting these on my own. I know the source of each cap and it is infinitely more personal and interesting to me that way.

Past Reflections

I am now just about completely moved back into my studio. Everything is unpacked and organized. I've just got a couple of wall art pieces to bring over and hang but otherwise it's all back in place. Which means **EEK** I've got to concentrate on finishing up my works-in-progress for the Sebastopol show and get myself ready for that. I'll start next week!

While I was unpacking my assorted artbooks and past sketchbooks I came across something that interested me. It was some musings I had made in a sketchbook from 2003 when I was an Intern Artist at Franconia Sculpture Park . Here's some excerpts:

Why do I care what other people think? I love the process of making the thing. The end result is my labor of love (or hate?). Is it about ideas, or about process?

What is it with me and neat and tidy? Show the slop! SHOW YOUR IMPERFECTIONS. Maybe that's more interesting than the perfect you. And isn't that what makes you YOU? All of your aspects - good and bad. You are not the image you try to portray to the outside world. You are You - warts and all. Embrace It!

In regards to my piece Systematic Growth made while at Franconia, the beginnings of my interest in Order and Chaos:

What does it mean? About the making? Simple materials? Perfection? Order-Systems? How is symmetry interesting? Is it? The order is not apparent (at first). Just to me? Is it about aesthetics? What is beautiful? I don't like random. Random means not thought out, careless. There are many points to look at. If I look at the ends - the open squares - as focal points they are so random with no order. My eyes jump from point to point. I like to climb on top. What does that feel like? I'm a child at a jungle gym.

Well, that's interesting stuff, to me anyway. I forgot I was thinking about things like that back then. Now that I've been writing this blog and organizing my thoughts more it's cool to see that things I've been talking about now have been on my mind for a while.

I have to stop writing now. I have a finger injury that makes it tough for me to type. The tip of my left middle finger was cut, almost completely off, while at Marble. Not by me. Story to come in a later post.

Book Quote of the Day:

Perfection is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.

Anne Lamott, bird by bird

This is a great book on the process of writing but her ideas work for all areas of creativity.

Where Have I Been?

Hello there. I realize it's been ages since I last posted. Well, I've been adventuring since then but now I am back.

In fact I just pulled up to the homestead two days ago after spending almost a month carving marble in Marble, Colorado and exploring the beautiful Crystal River valley and surrounding areas. It was a great trip. I made some (if I do say so myself) terrific art, reconnected with dear friends, met new people and just let myself enjoy myself, worry-free with no idea where the next day would take me until I got there.

It was pretty great. But all good things must come to an end. And now I am at home with all kinds of other good things, so it really doesn't stop it just changes. I am currently in the process of moving back into my studio - slowly. Hence, the stopping to write this post. I am surrounded right now by boxes that are screaming for me to organize and unpack them. I'll get there.

Once I am settled back in I can then focus on my next adventure - my show in November at the Sebastopol Center for the Arts. For now, though, I am preferring not to think about it.

I'll post about my time in Marble at a later date when the dust has settled a bit. Until then.

Book Recommendation of the Day: In Praise of Slowness by Carl Honore.

I read this while in Marble. Incurred a sixty cent late fee from the library, even. But it was worth it. It talks about the Slow Movement in a very cohesive way and touched on many things that have been on my mind lately. I learned quite a lot. It's perfect for anyone who feels that modern times doesn't always allow for the quiet, slow enjoyment of life's pleasures.