I Could See That On My Mantle

"Remember, we are here to look at the flowers, not the art."

-- Overheard at the de Young's Bouquets to Art Exhibition

Saw the Bouquets to Art show on Wednesday. Gotta say, I really loved it. Every work was Beautiful. What really turned me on were the ones that did not look like they might be some kind of centerpiece at a State Dinner. I really enjoyed the ones that felt like works of art themselves - they were bold, unusual, sculptural. And I liked when the arrangements weren't practically reproductions of the art that the arranger was influenced by. The ones that worked the best showed where inspiration had happened but then took off to become something else altogether.

It was, however, quite overwhelming. We were not able to see everything for two reasons. First, it was way more crowded than I expected. We were there pretty early in the morning but I suppose everyone else had that same idea. And it would seem better to see the exhibit earlier in the week since they are perishable works of art. Second, it was just A Lot to take in. Sensory overload. There's like, more than 100 floral participants. We saw quite a bit and when it got too much, we left. I'm really glad that I went. I never have before, though I'd heard of it. If you can stand the crowds it's well worth a visit.

And yes, I really did overhear someone saying the quote above. What's up with that? First of all, I totally believe that these flower arrangements are art. And then, how could you appreciate the pieces when you don't look at the art that inspired their creators. I'm sure she meant we don't have time to look at any other art but the flowers, but still. It just struck me as a part of this "gotta check it off my list" mentality that is pervasive in our society, especially here in the Bay Area where there is quite a lot of interesting things to see, hear, and do. But geez, it's not a race. It's not about, "oh yes, of course, I saw Bouquets to Art, I always do." How about just seeing art that is interesting, is unique, has some kind of affect on you?

Just what do people think art is anyway? What do they want it to be? I totally struggle with that in my own art practice. Admittedly, I do not go out of my way to make art that is what you might call "user friendly". I'm not, like, In Your Face painting with dog shit or something for the shock value and saying, "if you don't like this, than you know nothing of art." I just do what I do because I have my own personal interests and questions to explore and I do that through a visual medium. But, here's the thing: I don't care whether or not anyone likes what I make. I am not trying to make a piece of art that will look good over your sofa. It might, and that'd be cool. But I am not going to tailor-make my art for the masses. That's right, I don't care about You or what you Like.

Sure, I'd sell a lot more work if I kept this in mind. Hell, I've never sold any of my work. But than I would not be happy. I really am selfish in that my art is all about Me. And it's for Me first and foremost. And if you respond to it positively in some way, that's awesome, but not my goal.

Reminds me of an incident that occurred a couple of years ago. I was asked by a friend to participate in an Art and Craft Open House for the holidays. Apparently most of the participants would be contributing crafty-type work like homemade cards and papers,candles and soap, stained glass, the like. And maybe if I had some small sculptures to contribute, then that could add another element to the show. I had this idea for some bronze sculptures I wanted to make but didn't have a good enough reason to go ahead and make them until this came up. And I'm really glad I did it, too, because I like these four bronzes that I made, very much.

Anyway, there was to be a raffle for a door prize and each participating artist would contribute a small item. Well, I wasn't about to put in a bronze sculpture to the basket so my first thought was to just give money. But then one afternoon I was out in my work area where I carve stone. I picked up a small cut-off of some pink marble and proceeded to spend a few hours carving a little-bitty pink cat. I have to admit it was pretty cute. I tied ribbon around it's neck with a small info card attached and made it my contribution to the basket.

Well, my husband Eric is pretty astute and the first thing he said when he saw the little pink cat was, "you know, that's what everyone is going to want you to make." I said, "I know, I know." But it's not my thing. I don't want to spend my time making little pink cats just because they are marketable, salable, understandable. This was a one time deal.

Sure enough, two participants in the Open House separately took me to task for not churning out tons of these little babies (and others like it) to sell at 20 bucks a pop, or something. I'm, like, trying to explain that while I understand that would be a good way for me to make some money, money that I could spend on the pursuit of my other artistic explorations, it is not how I want to spend my creative time. But no matter how politely I tried to explain they just didn't get it. It was really frustrating and you can be sure I'll never again participate in a show like that.

I'd much rather work at the Folk Art Gallery as a means to pay my studio rent. Maybe it's to my disadvantage but I've got my pride. This is not the kind of art I want to be making. Most likely I'll end my career without selling any work but at least I will have made the art I Want To Make. I need to challenge myself, that's my motivator. Little pink cats - not so challenging.

Apology of the Day: To my dog, Jasmine.

Sorry, girl, I know I should have taken you out yesterday when it wasn't raining but I really wanted to take advantage of the break to work in my yard. I swear I didn't know it would start raining again today. Seriously, I'm sorry. Stop looking at me like that....

Get It Together

Lately I've been waking up around 4am and I cannot get back to sleep. My mind races with a million thoughts. I toss and turn for a couple of hours until I give up and just get up. Man, it's making me tired.

I want to sleep, I really do. I just keep waking up early. I've always been a light sleeper with occasional insomnia. I have the worst time sleeping in. I wish I could. I don't want to be an early riser. But, unfortunately for me, I am.

This 4am nonsense is driving me crazy. This always happens to me when I am anxious about something. Oh, like, say the fact that I am moving in less than two weeks to a new town. That while there I plan to make large sculpture that I am not even sure I have the ability to pull off. You know, stuff like that. (You can read up on the particulars of my anxieties in my previous post from March 16.)

I'm trying really hard to take it easy the next couple of weeks. It's been a challenge, though. I just Don't Know What To Do With Myself. (Duh-nuh-nuh!) I don't have any projects going on, no deadlines for grant applications or juried shows. I'm slowly moving myself out of my studio and that's about it. Today I worked at the Folk Art Gallery, which was good for two reasons: It was a distraction from not knowing what to do with myself and I get paid for it.

I've actually got some fun social activities coming up to keep me occupied: including dinner parties and the Strokes in concert. Cool. Tomorrow I am going to the de Young with my friend My-Linh to see the Bouquets to Art exhibit. So, you see, I am allowing myself to take a break and Have Some Fun.

I just desperately need something to quiet the Jitters, the Doubts, the Nervousness that is keeping me awake when I really want to be getting some ZZZZZ's.

*****

Here's a new development. This morning I received an email from someone at a gallery in San Francisco suggesting that I submit my portfolio for review for representation there. She saw my work on my website, Kitty G Sculpture. Sure, it's not quite as cool as someone saying: Please let me buy a bunch of your art for my gallery. First a review panel has to decide they like my stuff, then if selected, my work is displayed on consignment. But the fact remains: She Contacted Me. Which tells me two things. One - My website is working as a method of marketing myself. And Two - Someone out there likes my stuff. Sweet.

So, we'll see. No reason not to send my goods. I'd be happy to have my work displayed at this gallery. I'm familiar with it and I like it. They have mostly 2D artists so it's cool that she was intrigued by my sculpture. I will keep you posted.

Movie (I Have Yet to See) Recommendation of the Day: Awesome: I Fuckin' Shot That!

The Beastie Boys concert film where they gave a bunch of people digital video recorders and turned 'em loose in Madison Square Garden. It opens March 31 but there is a special screening at select theaters this Thursday. I'm On It!

Fear of the Unknown

I am starting to get nervous. You see my problem is that I am an over-planner. My comfort zone is when I am in total control of a situation and I know exactly where I am at and what is going on. I hate uncertainty.

So, I am leaving for Mendocino in 15 days. And it's making me jumpy. I need to relax and just can't. There's nothing to be worried about but I am. Here is my list of woes:

I am nervous about making the sculpture that I have planned.

Even though I have worked out all the schematics. I have got a model, scale drawings, materials list and a cut list. I've been working on my welding and am totally confident with my MIG skills. And I know, for the most part, how I am going to build it. Now, that's what really worries me: what if my plan for how to build it doesn't work? It all looks good on paper but is it going to be the reality of the actual construction? I won't know until I jump in and do it and what if suddenly I become unable to make this piece? Also, I am worried about the weight and size. It's over five feet tall and the total steel weight is more than 550 pounds. As I build it up it's just going to get taller and heavier. Makes me anxious.

I am nervous about acquiring the necessary materials.

I don't have any materials for this piece yet (it's really just a whole lot of rectangular steel tubing). I know how much I need and I have gotten quotes from steel supply companies in the Bay Area so I know how much it will cost, approximately. But I don't know where, up there, I can go to get what I need. I know the Art Center staff will have all kinds of information like that for me when I am there but I hate not knowing Right Now.

I am nervous about living and working in new surroundings.

I have this thing for routine and it's hard for me to be in an environment where I am new and I don't know the Lay of the Land. It make me anxious that I don't know in my head what my apartment will look like, or what my roommate is like. And I don't know what the sculpture studio is like (besides having seen it briefly one time) soI don't know where equipment is and, you know, all that kind of stuff, how things Run around there. And it's a new town for me so I don't know where to get this or that or the other that I am used to here at home. What is my Routine?

I am nervous about getting to know new people.

Which seems kind of a strange thing for me to worry about because I actually get along very well with new people. It's just that it takes me a little to get used to whole new social situations and feel comfortable. Once I am there, I'll be fine but I'm worried in advance. Lame, I know. I worry about how I will spend my time. What is there to do when I am not working on my art? What do people do for fun? Will I be able to meet new people outside of the Art Center? It's only two months and I'm not far from home, but still, I want to be able to make new friends, well, at least acquaintances.

I am nervous about not bringing what I need.

Tools, art supplies, personal items....you name it. I have a ton of lists of stuff to pack to make sure I don't forget anything which means I'll probably end up bringing way too much stuff.

I am nervous about getting my stuff packed up and out of the studio.

Where the hell am I going to store all of this stuff? I've got two weeks to pack it all up, more than enough time, I know. But I still worry that I won't be able to get it all together. It's over-whelming me.

Okay, okay. Let's get off the Anxiety Train now. Writing down all my troubles and seeing how minor they are is making me feel a little bit Felix Unger. I know that with most of this stuff, I'll be fine. I've just got to get up there and jump in and take each new thing as it comes. At least Eric and Jasmine will be coming up with me that first weekend to help unpack, unload and get myself situated. It'd be harder if I was doing that alone.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling like I didn't have a few things in my life under control. So, I made a list of everything I wanted and needed to do before I left. I also made a list of projects I would work on while there and also projects I could focus on when I got back home. That way I could prioritize what I did in March and not worry about projects that could be done in June and beyond. That helped and I have done most everything on the list except for move out of my studio and pack. And I still have two weeks left. Normal people would not be worried. By the way, if you have not figured out: I Am Not Normal People. I worry about Everything.

However, since it seems that I have everything under control and more than enough time to get myself ready to move up to Mendocino - I need to Relax. Take a little time to hang out at the house, enjoy myself, read a book, listen to music, watch a movie, practice my guitar, cook dinner with my hubby, hike with my dog (if it would Stop Raining!). I am one of those types that doesn't feel comfortable loafing. But I think that's just what I need to do, while I can. I mean it. I am serious. I'm gonna do it. Just you watch.

Jack Nicholson question of the Day: What's his best movie role?

I just saw Chinatown and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for the first time recently. It was a mini-Nicholson-marathon. Both awesome movies. It's not like I've seen everything he's done - according to IMDB he's credited to over 50 movies - but I've seen a few. From what I have seen so far anyway, I'm going to have to go with One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I really liked it.

Oh, and it was totally cool. I finally get the reference to the Chief using the sink to smash the window, jump out, and then run across the field that was in that one Simpsons episode. Right on.

Hippies v.2.00.6

**Warning** I'm about to write about something that I am totally not an authority on and I'll probably be making wide generalizations about a group of people that may or may not be offended by erroneous statements. So, to that I say: Deal. This is just something I feel like expressing my thoughts about.

So, I've been thinking: "Hippies" in the 21st century - should they have a new name? Hippie is such an over-used word. Doesn't even seem appropriate to call someone a Hippie any more. To me Hippies are from a certain generation, not just a mind-set or way of life. When I think Hippie, I think aging Baby-Boomer sell-out living in their big house in Mill Valley or Fairfax and driving around in an SUV with a "No War For Oil" bumpersticker on the back. (Hey, I said I would be making wide generalizations - you read the Warning).

I realize that there is (and always will be) a large counter-culture in our country. And what with the current government and war in Iraq there are definitely parallels to the Hippie generation from the 60's. There are plenty of people out there who live and act totally like Hippies. But what is different, what they have now that no Hippie had in the Sixties is total connectivity. People are Wired! They've got a cell-phone. And a laptop and e-mail and a profile on MySpace (or some other internet community website that I have no idea about). They probably even have a website and a blog.

I really think there should be a new categorization. And not just "Neo-Hippie" like I saw on Wikipedia. That's too easy; not very original. There's, like, Neo-everything these days. I'm thinking maybe WHippies or WiHi's or Techno-Hippies. Okay, I can't seem to come up with anything that doesn't seem totally lame. But do you see what I saying? I just think that there is a generation, a group of people out there, that in the Internet/Digital/Technological Age of the 21st century deserve a separate group name beyond Hippie. I just can't seem to figure out what that is.

Am I a Wired Hippie, you ask? Well, I am Wired but not, like, Big Time Wired. I have DSL and a Website. And of course, I have this Blog, though I am pretty late getting into the Blogosphere. But I'm not part of any kind of Internet Community and I don't Text Message or do fancy stuff on my cell phone. I live in Marin County (hot tub capital) but in a total 50's suburban community. I love nature but I don't drive an alternative fueled car. I'm into organic whole foods and buy my produce (and some other food items, as well) exclusively at my local farmer's market but I'm not a vegan or anything, and I like to eat processed junk food, occasionally. I work out at the gym, but I don't do yoga or mediate or anything that's mind/body related. I am in the process of "killing my TV" and kicking my TiVo addiction but I am totally addicted to the Family Guy and will continue to watch future seasons of Lost on DVDs from Netflix. I've never been to Burning Man, I shop at Old Navy, and I'm totally grateful for the Establishment, since Working for the Man allows me and my husband to live a pretty decent lifestyle. So, No, I don't consider myself a Hippie. But I do know some and that's what got me thinking about all of this.

Well, not a very deep post today but something that's been on my mind. Who knows, maybe WHippies will make it out there in the lexicon. Or not.

Paraphrase of the Day: Worst. Blog Post. Ever. -- Comic Book Guy.

Maybe next time I'll talk about something else, like, you know, my Art. See ya!

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Process

As Slim Pickens once said: "Yee Haw!"

After spending many, many, many, many hours at the wax table I have finally completed the wax sculpture that I was having so much trouble making. It only took three attempts plus the a re-design but here it is. I'm feeling pretty good about the final result. The last day and a half of work was really challenging. I ran into some construction issues and it was not easy working out in my freezing, un-heated garage. And I am not just some California wimp on this one. It really was freezing. I swear. It snowed in parts of the Bay Area this past weekend. No joke. It's been cold.

Anyway, the whole process of making this piece had its ups and downs and it got me thinking about my artmaking Process in general. I'll be honest, I often loathe the Process, curse the Process, am sometimes beaten down by the Process. But I also love and sorely need the Process. It is the soul of my artmaking. I work through it, fight it and eventually accept it as I endeavor to make my visions come to life.

Sometimes I even come through with the understanding, the realization that my vision wasn't the reality at all. The sculpture will be what it is meant to be. And if I'm lucky, at the end of the Process, when I've made it through to the other side I will think, "Hey, I kind of like what my hands just made." And that can be a revelation, too. I will see the finished product and think, "Wow, that's what that looks like in my world. How nice of it to make its presence known to me." It can be a special moment.

When I work against the Process, fight it, try to force it, the experience can sometimes be devastating. I feel unable, incapable, unworthy. These are my lowest moments. I had a couple of those while trying to make this wax sculpture. This happens to me all the time. But I just keep working, trying, accepting and eventually, hopefully I pull through and the outcome then is joyous, miraculous, affirming. That feeling is what I live for. It's why I keep doing this day after day. Why I keep trying.

And that is what has happened today. I feel elated right now. I am so happy to have finished this piece - and I Don't Hate It. I don't think I could fully appreciate this feeling if I didn't also experience the Depths of Despair. Is it possible to feel incredible highs if you don't equally have times of crushing lows? If I didn't try and then fail only to get up and try again, how could I possibly savor the moment when I finally succeed? And what if my success comes only when I give way to the natural flow of the Process and my end result ends up not being my original intent? Is that still victory or is it compromise? What is my role in the Process?

Sometimes I feel like nothing more than the vessel for something that already exists. That I just bring to life a pre-conceived plan, idea, notion, entity. When I fight it, try to bend it to my will, force upon it my own personal agenda, then creation is sometimes just not possible. Only when I give way to what the sculpture wants to be, what it is meant to be, does it finally come to life.

Is that what an artist is? If not, what does that make me?

* * * * *

Another thing about the Process that can be frustrating is how long it takes. Especially when I try new techniques and they don't work and I have to scrap what I've just spent hours, days working on. And then I have to start all over again and I feel like, "What a waste of time!" Or I'll spend endless hours making test pieces and prototypes and they aren't even Finished Sculptures. So, at the end of the day, week, month I've done all this work with nothing tangible or final to show for it. Yet I know deep down that I am doing Something. I'm working through the Process. It will get me somewhere I just have to be patient (not my strong suit). It's hard, though, when someone asks, "So, what have you been doing the last few months?" And all I have to show is a bunch of test pieces and a lot of ideas. I can't seem to help this mentality that each day I go into the studio, at the end of eight hours I should have created a Masterpiece. Oh, I know, I know. I'm too hard on myself. I'm totally aware of the unreasonableness of these kinds of thoughts and feelings. I think that awareness is the only thing that keeps me from quitting altogether. I know that giving up at the first obstacle, the first feeling of frustration, the eventual disappointment would be the easy way out. I am Better Than That. I will persevere even if when all is said and done no one is affected by my art but me.

And speaking of masterpieces. Check out the.....

DVD of the Day: City of God

This movie came out in like 2003, I think, but I just saw it for the first time this weekend. It is really, really good. It's long and the subject manner is grim but it's moving and well made and acted. I recommend it highly.

Much Ado About Spungus

So I've been thinking a lot lately about spungus.com. I have been trying to figure out just what exactly I want the website to be. Where am I going with this? I thought back to my original inspiration: a funny, nonsensical word mixed with a goofy idea. The true reality is that Spungus the t-shirt and spungus.com is just a goof. A (slightly expensive) project that makes me laugh.

But what happened was that I started to doubt this original intent. I thought that Spungus had to be something Bigger, Deeper, More Meaningful. It started as a one-liner and suddenly I felt all this pressure to figure out: where does it go once you get the joke? I started this Blog as a way to work through that. I truly thought that in order for Spungus to be something that stayed with people, that resonated through hearts and minds, I had to Make It That Way.

Well you know what? Screw That! Spungus is a T-shirt - nothing more, nothing less. And I like it that way. This whole business with Spungus being the Underlying System, the Answer to all my Questions about the Complex Universe just doesn't ring true for me. Frankly, it's been sucking my enjoyment out of the whole concept.

Spungus is Spungus.

Spungus doesn't have to be important or interesting to others. Want a t-shirt? Cool, you got it (visit the spungus store). Don't like the shirt? No big deal. Does it make you laugh? Right on! Does it make you think, "what's the point"? Well, there is no point. Get it?

Don't get me wrong. Everything that I have discussed and contemplated within my art and within this blog is Totally Real for me. My art is all about my search for the Underlying System. I will continue to seek Order within Chaos. But as for Spungus - I'm gonna let it lie.

Oh, yeah. I'm totally keeping up the SpungusBlog, though.

Quote of the Day:

It's a joke son, don't you get it? -- Foghorn Leghorn

Spungus = T-shirt!

My Own Private Idaho

***Sigh***

Oh, it is so nice to be in the private space of my studio. The comforting cocoon that shields me and my art from the rest of the world. It is so hard to discuss my art with others. They ask questions, bring up interesting points, make me explain my ideas and choices. When it's just me and my art in the studio, no one is around asking those hard questions. But unfortunately, for good art to occur, so must those questions.

Last night a friend of mine from art school got together in San Francisco for First Thursday. I'm not usually a big fan of First Thursday (too crowded) but the other reason for our meeting was to grab a bite and discuss each others current art work. So, that's what we did. I haven't discussed my work with another artist in a while and man, oh man, it was hard. I don't mean explaining my ideas. That's easy because I have a pretty clear idea of my concept. It was the mere fact that she was bringing up all these great points about what might take my work further. Making me question what I am currently doing. How could I make it better? It was actually a bit overwhelming.

Mostly because it made me realize that by working on my own, without obligation to explain myself to others, I sometimes don't go the distance out of fear. I have determined that my fears are made up of the following:

• Not having the ability/skills to make my visions a reality
• Feeling like my ideas are not good enough to pursue fully
• Having nowhere to show my work and no one interested in seeing it

I am now able to admit that these fears hold me back. Half the time I am working on my art I feel like I make little if any progress. I feel like I have a million ideas and nothing to show for it. It makes me wonder just what the hell it is I do with my time. As always the question pops up: What am I doing and where am I going with my art?

Making art can be so hard. Well, making good art, anyway. But what is "good art"? I like to challenge myself with my art. I like to try new things, try the seemingly impossible. I would like my art to be as thoughtful and complete as I can make it. To me, that would make my art "good". Will I ever get to that point? I don't know. Maybe never. It's the carrot on the stick for me, I suppose. Why I keep trying even when I don't feel so good about this whole business of being an artist.

I have been feeling especially scatterbrained lately. I think, mostly, because I am moving to Mendocino in 29 days. And I hardly feel ready. This afternoon I sat down and made a time-line of projects I would like to work on in the next 6 months. That helped. Now I feel like I can concentrate better on one thing at a time and not have to worry or think about how I am going to achieve some other goal. I will work on each item as it comes.

As for getting over the above mentioned fears....I have no idea how to tackle that. I didn't put it on the To Do list.

Mantra of the Day: Don't be overwhelmed by the Magnitude of your ideas

Today I am really hoping that Spungus exists because I sure do need to feel like there is some kind of Underlying Reason for why I put myself through all of this.

Thirty-One Days and Counting

Reality is suddenly setting upon me. I will be moving to Mendocino in exactly one month. I will be a Resident Artist for two months. I am totally excited, don't get me wrong. But it's so much I have to do from now until then. I am a little anxious.

Most concerning is having to move out of my studio. Where the hell am I going to put all the stuff and art that has accumulated here in the last year? But it is worth it because I am having a sublet tenant for four months which is going to save me a lot of dough. I am a bit concerned about money while I am there. My apartment rent is covered, which is great. I applied for grant money to cover the materials costs of the metal sculptures I would like to make. But I won't hear about those until after I am already up there. That's okay, I have money in savings. I just hate to deplete all of my resources.

I am nervous about the actual sculptures. I have a "plan" and know exactly what I'd like to make but it's a whole other story when it comes time to actually execute the plan. I am sure there will be challenges and snafus and un-expected difficulties that I encounter along the way. Seems to be the M.O. of my art-making. I just hope I can meet my own expectations.

And, of course, leaving Eric will be hard. But it's not like we haven't done this before. I was gone for three months in 2003, and that was in Minnesota. At least this time I will be a three hour drive away. Not too bad. Actually, we both like periodic separations. We've been together a long time. Time apart, where we do our own thing, live kind of separate lives for a short period seem to be good for us. I will miss my pup, though, but they can visit so that's cool.

Best of all, I will be living on the coast. I don't care if it's cold and foggy. I love the beach. I am going to have a blast, I know. But unknown situations are still hard for me to deal with. Once I get into a groove I am fine but the first couple days are hard. For someone who seems to need new stimuli all the time I sure do like my comfortable routines.

This month I'm going to concentrate on getting a couple of my works in progress done, get my stuff out of the studio and then figure out what I need to take up there with me and what I can leave here. At least, if I forget something it's not a pain in the ass to come home and get it. And the more I take up there the less I gotta store in my garage at home.

Movie Quote of the Day: "We Fear Change"
-- Garth Algar, "Wayne's World"

Spungus = Going With the Flow with New Experiences